Try This If You're Struggling with Self-Love

Why your relationship with yourself is the most important one you have, how you're unknowingly sabotaging it, and my #1 tip to kickstart self-love.  

If you’ve ever been in a relationship you probably know that it feels great to get compliments from your partner every now and then. The occasional “you look beautiful,” “I like your hair like that,” or “you have the best laugh” goes a long way to make us feel seen and loved.

What often happens though is we spend so much time with our partner that we forget the power of saying little things like this. We see and talk to them everyday and we assume that the other person already knows how we feel.

And if we can forget to tell our partner how we feel just because we see them often, imagine just how much we're forgetting to tell ourselves. I mean there must be some major reminders being left unsaid. And if we're not making any effort to make ourselves feel good, then we're probably (unknowingly) making ourselves feel bad. 

For example, imagine if your partner never took the time to give you a simple compliment or remind you of something he loved about you…you might start to feel unnoticed or unappreciated. And you might not relate your ill feelings to this lack of recognition right away, but instead channel your anger into other aspects of the relationship like nitpicking little things the other person does that annoy you or complaining about the stuff they never help out with, or just otherwise creating emotional conflict.  

SABOTAGING SELF-LOVE

Well, this emotional conflict is probably already happening in the most important relationship of your life – your relationship with yourself. If we never take the time to remind ourselves about the good things, we instinctively direct our energy to the bad. What this may look like in your self-relationship is different for everyone, but it could be stressing out over little mistakes, talking negatively to yourself, crash dieting, emotional eating, criticizing your body, or simply believing you aren't enough.  

It’s easy to get caught up in what’s difficult, what’s not working, or what needs improving in our lives. Normally those are the things we see first and put our energy and focus on because they stand out and occupy more space in our conscious mind.

But in the same way that we start to feel down without the occasional compliment from our partner we also start to feel kind of crappy without any love and positive affirmations from ourself. Think about it, people who feel loved and appreciated in their relationship experience more happiness and self-confidence. They even go out of their way to reciprocate the good vibes and make their partner happy. So if you felt loved and appreciated in your relationship with yourself you best believe it would in turn affect your mood, self-confidence, and willingness to do nice things for yourself like eat right, exercise, and take time to relax.

COMPLIMENTS ARE RECYCLABLE

I used to think that if I could just think of a few positive thoughts about myself that I’d be good to go forever. No need to stand in the mirror and say, “I love you” or any of the other cheesy self-love stuff. Well turns out I was wrong. And here’s why: saying something positive once may be great in the moment, but that’s exactly what it is, a moment. And the feeling you get from affirmations (from yourself or from others) is fleeting. But that’s the cool thing about compliments – they never expire. You can reuse them for years and they’ll still have the amazing effect of making you feel good inside.

Think about it this way, when I get ready for a date night with my boyfriend and I put effort into my makeup, hair and outfit I still want him to tell me that I look beautiful even if he’s told me a thousand times before. Those little reminders have so much power in boosting confidence, making us feel valued, and influencing the way we view ourselves. And they’re even more valuable when they come from you rather than from others - 10 times more to be exact. (Yes, that’s a real statistic).

So shouldn't we set the same expectations for our self-relationships as we have for our romantic relationships? When we work hard, try our best, make positive changes, and get shit done, why don’t we remind ourselves that we’re awesome and give ourselves a big pat on the back? Probably for one of two reasons:

1. Because it feels like we don’t deserve it

2. Because complimenting yourself feels weird AF

But in order to truly step into self-love we're just gonna have to move past all that - so I'll tell you one excellent, non-awkward way to do it…

START FEELING THE LOVE

So now that you know your relationship with you is the most important one you have, you should treat it like gold. Which is a lot easier said than done so here’s my #1 tip to get started: 

Make a love list. 

Write down a list of all the things you love about yourself. It might feel weird at first, but try not to worry about being “conceited,” “egotistical,” or “braggy.” No one else has to see the list and besides, you shouldn’t be ashamed to admit that you actually like some things about yourself in the first place.

If you’re sitting there thinking there’s nothing that you love about yourself, then think harder. Everyone has something, trust me. Maybe you’ve got awesome hair, or great boobs, a perfectly shaped nose, beautiful eyes, or nails that are always on fleek. 

After you get the physical things down move a little deeper. Think about your personality and your relationships – are you funny, smart, sarcastic, generous, loving, open-minded? Are you a good friend, sister, mother, daughter, helper, listener, supporter? 

Get everything you can think of down on the list. Fold it up and leave it under your pillow or on your nightstand and walk away. Come back to it just before bed and let it be the last thing you read before going to sleep at night. Do this as many times as you feel necessary, and feel free to add to your list overtime as you come up with more reasons to love your awesome self.